When I first started blogging, it was a way for me to say the things I felt I could say aloud. The good, the bad, the ugly, the trying, etc. It was my way to vent. My first blog became so personal that once I came out of the dark place I was in and looked back over my past posts and stuff, the transformation was amazing. The pain that was in those posts scared me and I deleted that blog, hoping to erase all the pain, hurt, betrayal, etc I felt in those posts. I never ever wanted to feel like I felt during the time of those posts. My life was a mess and besides God, nobody even knew what I was going through. I don’t know if they just didn’t see it or they didn’t want to see it, or if it was because I hid it well. I struggled with pride. Well, I still do. I hate bothering people with my issues. I hate feeling like I’m worrying someone else, so I internalize a lot of things in my life. I’m learning to lighten my load by given it to God and slowly breaking down barriers and walls I put up, long enough to let people in. Sometimes it work, but sometimes I still shut down, because I’m not used to people being genuinely concerned about me. I’m not saying there’s no one in my life that love me or even loved me at the time when I felt alone. What I am saying is that most of my life, caring for me always came at price. What I had to offer in return or what I could do for them? etc and if they weren’t going to benefit from it, then they weren’t really there and I’m not just talking about friends, but some family members, and business associates, too.
Although, I am a strong person (or at least I like to think so), I’ve always, always had a big heart. I’ve always wanted to see the good in people, wanted the best for people, and was the type that would always help if I could. There has been times, when I would just help people and help people and end up hurting myself because I’ve given all of myself to helping them to the point, I would forget about myself. Again I internalized it. It got to the point where, I had night terrors for years before I even knew what night terrors were. I started having anxiety and panic attacks before I even knew what it was called. I became depressed, sometimes severly depressed and antisocial. Yet, I kept that part of me hidden. I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to admit that I was flawed in some way. Truth be told, I not sure if anyone in my family besides my husband and children know what I deal with. Crazy right? But sadly, that’s the story of my life. When you are a strong person in my family or if people perceive you as strong, they never ask if you are okay and because it was normal for me to be a loner or distant,nobody ever questioned it. So, I found temporary fixes to control my anxiety and depression the best way I could. There has been many moments where it got extremely hard and I thought I wasn’t going to make it, but I did. No matter how hard it got, somehow, I always got the courage (from somewhere) to keep going. Thankfully it is getting better and better as i get closer to God. I’m learning to tear down these walls and let people in because walls not only keep people out, but they keep me from healing.
Crazy how this isn’t even what I wanted to blog about, but I guess it’s true; in silence you hear God’s voice and maybe this is something that needed to come out that I’ve been holding in so long. Maybe that’s why I’ve been insomniac the last few days.
Anyway, I have been doing well for a few months now, but I now know it doesn’t take much to drag you back to the dark place if you not carefully and if you don’t have the power of God on your life. The last few weeks, I felt myself being drawn back into that place that I never want to be at again. So instead of looking for someone to be there for me. I indulged myself more and more into the WORD OF GOD and it gave, it gives me the peace I need when my feelings overtake me. I’m learning that I can’t trust my feelings that I have to trust God, especially knowing that I’m vulnerable because of my anxiety and depression. I read something the other day, that sometimes God makes us uncomfortable to get our attention, not to hurt us, but to draw us closer to him. When I say trial after trial have been coming at me from all angles, that’s exactly what I mean. Not major trials or tribulations, just emotional trials and issues with some of the people in my life. Nobody wants to be used and when you are, you feel like a fool for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. You want to develop this idea of I’m not helping anyone else because I always get hurt in the long run mindset even when you know God wants us all to be givers. I struggled with that part and still do. It’s like how do I give the way God wants me to give when it only leaves me with the short end of the stick. Then I realized, maybe I was giving not because God said give, but because I wanted people to see me as a helper, a good person, or a giver. I wanted people to like me or appreciate me when the glory was never intended for me. At least, that what I think the issue was. Anyway, I almost retreated back into my shell indefinitely, but I know it’s other ways to deal with things, so I’m trying.
Although God wants us to be givers and help each others. The Bible speaks about users, but it hurts extremely bad when it comes from people that supposed to love you. When people used to use me or get mad at me because they could no longer use me. I used to want revenge. You want to be mad, well I can be mad too. You don’t talk to me, I don’t talk to you. You want to ignore me, then I’m ignore you, etc. but that became too much. The hatred, dislike, anger, and pain just kept building up and the only person it was hurting was me. Walking around holding on to grudges for no reason at all. I had to learn to let go. These last few weeks have really tested the limits of the verse below. It was so hard to listen to this verse and apply it to my life knowing that it was a chance that i could be used again or even hurt again. But what I’ve learned is to make a conscious effort to follow it as much as i can because at the end of the day, God will protect me from users and people with malice intent. I’m also learning though, that there are some people that you have to love from a distant; not because you don’t love them, but because they don’t love you.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you
This weekend was one of those weekends where I just wanted to briefly snap but again i cant and don’t want to go back to that, so I just been prayer over the situation and moving on with my life. I don’t know how or when, but I know God is going to fix it. He may have to put in some overtime on this one because this situation been brewing for years. (LOL, not doubting God’s power, just been funny) but seriously I don’t know how God is going to do it. I just trust that HE will and at the same time remove people out of my life that don’t mean me any good and replace them with some good people.