These last few weeks have been crazy. They have been really hard and really tough. The last few weeks I have just felt so overwhelmed that it was hard to even get out of bed in the mornings. Although I did, deep down inside I just wanted to lock myself in my room shut the blinds, turn the lights of, pull the cover over my head, and just stay there. ALONE. IN THE DARKNESS.
But I couldn’t do that. For one, self-pity wasn’t going to do anything but make me more depressed and trigger panic or anxiety attacks and TWO, I had three people looking up to me to get up each and every day. . . MY CHILDREN.
What was going on in my life so bad that made me want to lay around? You probably want to know. The answer is simple…LIFE HAPPENED. THINGS HAPPENED. LIFE CHANGE. PEOPLE CHANGE. SHIT HAPPENS.
I’ve never been a quitter. Maybe it’s just in my nature or maybe it’s just that I hate to say that there’s something I cannot do or something I cannot fix. Yes, I know that’s a bad way to look at things because I can’t do everything, but what I’m saying is that it takes a whole lot to make me quit. These last few weeks tested that theory and I was so close in to just giving up and letting the depression overcome me, but by the grace of God through caring friends and family, I managed to get back on track and get more focused.
My favorite book is The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison and if you’ve ever read that book and you know me well then you would know why it’s my favorite. No, it’s not a book about ghosts and spirits, but a book about identity and self-worth. That’s how I’ve felt over the past few days, INVISIBLE! LIKE NOBODY SEES ME. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME. NOBODY CARES.
Ralph writes, ““I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allen Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie extoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids—and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination—indeed, everything and anything except me.” –The Invisible Man (1952)
INVISIBLE ME! But today, I feel renewed. I feel as my strength has been refilled and I can handle the tough times ahead. That’s life, though. You will have good days and there will be bad days. The thing is how you deal with it that matters. As Mother’s Day approaches, I know that I cannot afford to give up because my children are watching me and no matter what is going wrong in my life, I know one thing that I am doing right….BEING A MOTHER!
Some people think motherhood is about buying expensive clothes and shoes, providing your child with the very best brands that money can buy or taking them on expensive trips and buying expensive gifts, but that’s not all motherhood is about. Motherhood can be summed up in one word……TIME! If you not spending time with your child then no amount of gifts is going to make up for that. If you not taking the time to raise your children and tell them right from wrong, instill morals and values in their lives then buying gifts still won’t help. Sometimes we get so caught up in the holiday honoring mothers that we forget A MOTHER’S JOB IS NEVER DONE. IT’S NEVER OVER. THERE ARE NO SICK DAYS, VACATION, OR HOLIDAYS. ONCE YOU BECOME A MOTHER THAT IS IN HER CHILD’S OR children’s LIVES THEN THAT BECOMES YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!
Today, I found myself slipping back into invisibility, but my youngest child came home with a handmade Mother’s Day Certificate Thanking me for being a #1 Mom. That lifted me up beyond words could explain. I thank God for trusting me enough to be their mother and I thank them for motivating me to be the best mother I can be. Of course, I can’t take all the credit because if it wasn’t for my mother’s love, grace, and sometimes her not sparing the rod then I know that I wouldn’t be the woman or mother I am today!
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOTHERS AND THE ONES THAT TAKE ON THE ROLE AS MOTHERS!