ExquisitelySagacious Blog

A Moment of Clarity

 

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Yesterday, I had to attend my 11-year-old  great-nephew, JJ’s funeral. It was such a hard and emotional event. I have an 11-year-old daughter and the realization of just how fragile life is, weighted on me heavily. My family is far from perfect. In fact, lately, we’ve been going through a lot and I’ll admit we were slowly untangling.  It’s crazy how death tend to make you see how trivial some things are. My nephew’s death, although it is such a tragedy, taught me an important lesson: ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS!

My nephew, JJ fought his battle with brain cancer for years and he never complained. He was strong! What should have broken him or his spirit made him stronger and he endured until God told him his journey was over. I long for the day that we live in a cancer-free world, but until that happens, all I can do is take the lessons my nephew left behind and use them in my life. I have no doubt that God had a plan for JJ. Although he was only here for a short time, his presence was felt and he will greatly be missed by all who ever met him. As an adult I find myself complaining about a headache or menstrual cramps, never realizing that I should be thankful that it’s just a headache or cramp instead of a tumor or cancer. God’s grace is upon us even when we don’t realize it. Small blessings are overlooked and unappreciated until something happens. We don’t appreciate our eyes until we are in the dark and cannot see. We don’t appreciate our legs until they lock up on us or our knees goes out. We don’t appreciate the ability to talk, hear, touch, drive, eat, sleep, etc. until we can no longer do those things.  When I say we, I mean me too. I’m guilty as well.

My youngest daughter, my 11-year-old is ADHD and we struggle a lot with it and some days are bad, very bad, but I could never imagine losing my baby. The funeral yesterday made me appreciative of all the moments good and bad with my daughter, because here was a mother wishing for another moment, good or bad with her son. A grandmother longing to hear her grandson’s voice once more.  A father wishing to right the wrongs he made.  As I looked around that church, I couldn’t help but thing of my children, my youngest in particular. I thought about how much I complain about her ADHD diagnosis and how much it affect our lives and how that is nothing, nothing, compared to dealing with a child being diagnosed with Cancer.  So that was my moment of clarity, my epiphany, I guess you would say.   We left on a family vacation right after the funeral and I was so exhausted, I just wanted to sleep, but my youngest was rived up, of course and I found myself yelling at her.  The rest of the afternoon was a struggle keeping her on task and things like that. And just like that my moment of clarity was out the window until I was awaken and everyone else was asleep and the need to blog fell heavily on my heart. I owe my daughter an apology. I want to wake her up now and apologize to her. I  realize that this is our first family vacation in a long time and she was really just excited.  I’m determined to be a better mother and to complain less. Life is too short to sweat the little things, to complain or get angry about every little thing.  JJ taught me that. Perhaps, I already knew that but through his life and his story, I’m reminded that sometimes, we all need to have that moment of clarity and I’m just so thankful I realize my moment. JJ is gone, but he will never be forgotten. I am working on a scholarship program that I plan to do yearly in his honor! I don’t want his death to be in vain and I want to find a way to bring awareness to childhood cancers. St. Jude played a big part in JJ’s lives and no amount of words will ever be enough to thank them, but for an organization that helps so many people, I can do my part and try to help them, help others.

As I listen to my children snore and toss in their sleep, I’m thankful. Thankful for another chance to get it right. I’m not perfect, but I’ll willing to do better and that’s all I can do!

 

A Mother’s Life…

These last few weeks have been crazy. They have been really hard and really tough. The last few weeks I have just felt so overwhelmed that it was hard to even get out of bed in the mornings.  Although I did, deep down inside I just wanted to lock myself in my room shut the blinds, turn the lights of, pull the cover over my head, and just stay there. ALONE. IN THE DARKNESS.

But I couldn’t do that.  For one, self-pity wasn’t going to do anything but make me more depressed and trigger panic or anxiety attacks and TWO, I had three people looking up to me to get up each and every day. . . MY CHILDREN.

What was going on in my life so bad that made me want to lay around? You probably want to know. The answer is simple…LIFE HAPPENED. THINGS HAPPENED. LIFE CHANGE. PEOPLE CHANGE. SHIT HAPPENS.

I’ve never been a quitter. Maybe it’s just in my nature or maybe it’s just that I hate to say that there’s something I cannot do or something I cannot fix. Yes, I know that’s a bad way to look at things because I can’t do everything, but what I’m saying is that it takes a whole lot to make me quit.  These last few weeks tested that theory and I was so close in to just giving up and letting the depression overcome me, but by the grace of God through caring friends and family, I managed to get back on track and get more focused.

My favorite book is The Invisible Man  by Ralph Ellison and if you’ve ever read that book and you know me well then you would know why it’s my favorite. No, it’s not a book about ghosts and spirits, but a book about identity and self-worth.  That’s how I’ve felt over the past few days, INVISIBLE! LIKE NOBODY SEES ME. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME. NOBODY CARES.

Ralph writes, ““I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allen Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie extoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids—and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination—indeed, everything and anything except me.” –The Invisible Man (1952)

INVISIBLE ME!  But today, I feel renewed. I feel as my strength has been refilled and I can handle the tough times ahead. That’s life, though. You will have good days and there will be bad days. The thing is how you deal with it that matters.  As Mother’s Day approaches, I know that I cannot afford to give up because my children are watching me and no matter what is going wrong in my life, I know one thing that I am doing right….BEING A MOTHER!

Some people think motherhood is about buying expensive clothes and shoes, providing your child with the very best brands that money can buy or taking them on expensive trips and buying expensive gifts, but that’s not all motherhood is about. Motherhood can be summed up in one word……TIME! If you not spending time with your child then no amount of gifts is going to make up for that. If you not taking the time to raise your children and tell them right from wrong, instill morals and values in their lives then buying gifts still won’t help. Sometimes we get so caught up in the holiday honoring mothers that we forget A MOTHER’S JOB IS NEVER DONE. IT’S NEVER OVER. THERE ARE NO SICK DAYS, VACATION, OR HOLIDAYS. ONCE YOU BECOME A MOTHER THAT IS IN HER CHILD’S OR children’s LIVES THEN THAT BECOMES YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!

Today, I found myself slipping back into invisibility, but my youngest child came home with a handmade Mother’s Day Certificate Thanking me for being a #1 Mom. That lifted me up beyond words could explain. I thank God for trusting me enough to be their mother and I thank them for motivating me to be the best mother I can be. Of course, I can’t take all the credit because if it wasn’t for my mother’s love, grace, and sometimes her not sparing the rod then I know that I wouldn’t be the woman or mother I am today!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOTHERS AND THE ONES THAT TAKE ON THE ROLE AS MOTHERS!

In the Press…

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I enjoy being a writer, and I’m fortunate that I can stay at home and write full-time thanks to my husband; however, the urge to rejoin the workforce has been weighing heavily on me for the last six months or so.  Two incomes are always better than one, but for the most part, we make do with the one income. My husband doesn’t pressure me to work, because he understands that having a job and career are two different things. When I went to college, I was sure I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted nothing more than to teach. Even writing was put on the backburner, because I felt like becoming a teacher was my calling. I was meant to be a teacher. After completing my internship in the public schools, my ideas about teaching changed drastically. Teaching wasn’t teaching anymore. Teaching had become so scripted that there was no room for creativity.  No Child Left Behind and Common Core did the opposite of what it was supposed to do….LEAVE CHILDREN BEHIND. I lost all interest in teaching after meeting teachers that were only concerned with students passing a test rather than actually learning and teaching.

In between graduating college and now, I worked outside the home, but it was only a job for me. My working days in Georgia were the worse.  I worked at the Post Office, a male-dominated field. The men really felt as if they were gods. If you didn’t bow down to them, submit to their demands, or sleep with them or you were treated less than poo. Being that my job was seasonal/temporary and Georgia being a right to work state, I kept silent about the craziness that went on at that post office. I honestly didn’t even think about the many ethics codes that were violated or the sexual harassment that I endured, because that’s exactly what it was. I was young and honestly, I was just excited to be working and actually doing something for me for a change. I did my job, and I went home. There were a few incidents where I had to constantly reject men or speak up for myself, because they would not leave me alone. That was that. I was informed after my seasonal employment ended that falsified documents had been added to my file.  When the job restarted, I got yet another male supervisor that either forced your submission or you felt his wrath. Back then, I wasn’t the one to feel anyone’s wrath, so naturally I would lash out. I remember being written up and called in to the manager’s office.  He informed me of the citations in my file and allowed me the opportunity to state my case. I would have been fired, but he eventually agreed that I had been falsely accused. At the end of the job assignment, I was laid off and not called back.  Girls that I worked with who had caved to the men in power were called back but not me. After that, I was either overqualified or under-qualified for jobs.

It was so bad that I couldn’t even get a job in fast-food, because no manager could understand why someone with a degree would want to work such a job. Again, it wasn’t about the money. It’s never been about the money. As I explained earlier, I’m very fortunate to have a husband that has always been blessed with a good job. Anyway, I tried going back to school, but the the tuition was killing me with only one income. I eventually had to stop. I managed to do one semester towards another degree before stopping.  In the midst of all this, I started writing again. I even published my first and second books. I still yearned to work outside of the home. My kids were bigger, and it there was no reason for me to be at home since all of my children were not school aged.  I started the job search again and managed to land a job as a lead teacher at a daycare, but that too only lasted a short while. My son had some issues at school that required me to  become a stay at home mom again. I hated to leave, but my son was and is way more important that a job. I’ve been unemployed ever since then, except for me starting my own publishing company, literary magazine, and began writing books.  I have done so many applications, follow-ups, interviews, etc and haven’t had ONE callback. Not even a temp agency could find me employment. Yet, I still didn’t give up. I continued the job search. Still nothing. I have no criminal record, and I’m educated. I guess the old saying is true…It’s not what you know but who you know! I went on an interview Friday, and I thought it went great. It was not my ideal place for a job, but it was a job and my goal is to just get back into the workforce even if it is starting small. The manager was telling me to expect a call on Monday and asking about my schedule, etc., and I was just sure I had a job. I may still receive a call but fast Forward to yesterday, still no phone call. As much as I hated to admit it, I was disappointed. I allowed myself to get my hopes up. When it fell through, I was hurt. I wanted to give up and just embrace being a stay at home mom. I mean I can’t make anyone hire me, and I can’t change my past or my work history. I do not regret any decision I made for my family.  Although, I wanted to give up, I didn’t. I made up my mind to do more applications and job search some more. Yesterday evening, I received a callback for a job, a high-paying job, to take the assessment for phase one of their hiring process.  Although, it’s not a job offer. It restored my hope and strengthened my faith that God sees me trying, and He has not forgotten about me! It may seem such a small thing, but for me it was huge. God stepped in when I was on the verge of letting go. HE stepped in when I felt hopeless, and ready to give up. I may not get the job. Who knows I probably will, but I know now that all of my trying is not in vain!

A friend of mine referred me to the process required to make olive oil.  An olive goes through three stages before it is transformed into what we know as olive oil.  Jekayln Carr has a song titled Greater.  It refers to the shaking, beating, and pressing process that takes place in order for the oil to run out of the olive.  I know that God is using this experience to produce in me greater faith, greater patience, and greater expectations.  So, this job search adventure can be summed up in three words: GREATER IS COMING!

1 Corinthians 2:9 King James Version (KJV)

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

 

 

HELPMATE DAYS 4-6

Psalms 128:3  Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house; thy children like olive plants around thy table

 

The symbolism of a vine is used throughout the Bible.  John 15:5 says I am the vine, ye are the branches; He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit, for without me ye can do nothing.

This is Jesus speaking to the disciples at the last supper. In this verse, I think Jesus is telling the disciples to stay godly, to let the word of God, his teaching, the holy spirit run through them as vines and branches and they will bear much fruit or reward.  Like Jesus was telling the disciples to be godly, so that they can get their rewards, in Psalms 128:3, God is charging wives to be as a vine on a house and be godly so that their children and household can also be godly.  As a wife is godly, her children will be at peace in Christ. Since the olive leaf or olive branch seems to always signify something positive, by the children being like olive plants, I think it is suggesting that the children will be positive and peaceful.

Psalms 121:5  The Lord is thy keeper; the Lord is thy shade upon they right hand.

This scripture was relatively easy. The Lord is thy keeper is just another one of God’s promise to be our everything.  HE will keep up despite it all; the good and the bad. He is our protector. He is our leader. He is our everything. He is the shade upon thy right hand.

In the second part of this scripture, the word shade stands out.  What is Shade?  Shade is something that give protection from the burning sun and using that symbolism with God, this scripture is telling us that God is our protector, which emphasizes the front part of the scripture.  God protects us as we go through the fires of sin.  His protection covers us, so that we are not burned or scorched as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were three Jewish men thrown into a fiery furnace by Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon, when they refused to bow down to the king’s image per chapter 3 of the book of Daniel. Though we walk through the fire, we will not be scorned.

‘Thy right hand’ also sticks out.  First off, RIGHT is a direction that often symbolizes trustworthiness and a position of power. Ephesians 1: 20 states that Jesus sits on the right hand of God.

It is said that if a person looks to the left when speaking, he/she is lying. By Jesus sitting on the right side of God, we see that God trusted him wholeheartedly to have power and dominion over all things, especially our enemies.

Luke 8 1-3 gives us an examples of Jesus’s ministry. It shows people like us, walking and talking with Jesus.  Simply being in his presence was a blessing.  This scripture to me symbolizes Jesus’s love for the people.  He didn’t surround himself  with priests and teachers, etc.  He walked and talked with regular people. People who dealt with life harshness and needed relief.

 

Preparing for Life’s Snow

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One look at this scripture and prepared comes to mind.  To me,this scripture is saying that a wise woman is also prepared. She is prepared to weather the stormy days that may arise in her household because she has took the time to make arrangements beforehand.  A wise woman is proactive instead of reactive. Instead of waiting for snow to fall in her life, she prepares for it now. Like the grasshopper and the ant, they both knew winter was coming, but only one decided to prepare for it.

A wise woman, a godly woman embodies her household in the Lord before trials and tribulations arises. Not only that she has to take care of the household, cooking, cleaning, raising children, basically turning a house into a home! She has a lot to deal with that she could never fully complete without God on her side and being prepared for storms.  Thank God for the snow, because as inconvenience as it may be, it will either make or break you. It will draw you closer to him or push you further back.

Indie Authors

 

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I’ve been in this writing game almost two years and it’s sad that many authors are still divided. In a huge field such as writing, you would think that indie authors would have a close-knit relationship with each other, but that is furthest from the truth. I saw so much shade being thrown because of the top 100 authors or because  an author is signed with a certain company or simply because an author is not signed as all.

I learned early on to keep my head down and focus on myself to avoid getting caught up in the nonsense of this industry.  Other than the division in the industry, another issue the fact that there are thousands of urban authors and there are only a few  awards shows geared to honor indie authors and publishers.

SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

That means that it is no way possible for everyone to get recognized.

As an indie author, signed author, and a indie publisher, to say it is a tough market to stand out in would be an understatement. However, that does not stop me from trying and focusing on my brand.  Sure I have my bad days. What authors have to realize that they have to stop seeking recognition from outsiders and focus on accepting and encouraging themselves.

AS LONG AS YOU PUT 100% INTO YOUR BOOKS THEN YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO BE HAPPY WITH THAT AND IGNORE THE CRAZINESS! DON’T WAIT FOR OTHERS TO TOOT YOUR HORN, DO IT FOR THEM!

Sagacious Wife

16940Proverbs 19:14

So, I google an initial meaning of the scripture.  I liked this one the best.

Houses and riches are the inheritance of fathers,…. Which they are careful to provide and leave to their children. This they may and often do, build or purchase houses, and procure great riches, and put their children into the possession of them;

and, or but,

a prudent wife is from the Lord; one that behaves well to her husband, massages the affairs of her house with wisdom, and brings up her children in all orderly manner: such a wife no man has from the care and provision of his parents; nor so much from his own good choice and industry as from the kind providence of God, to which he should ascribe it; his parents may give him houses and lands, but it is God that gives him a wise and discreet woman to be an helpmeet to him; see Proverbs 18:22.


Bibliography

Gill, John. “Commentary on Proverbs 19:14”. “The New John Gill Exposition of the Entire Bible”. //www.studylight.org/commentary. 1999

Prudent means wise or sagacious. Like in Proverbs 24:3-4, we know that wisdom is needed in order to live a godly life or procure a healthy relationship.  Becoming a prudent wife takes a lot of spiritual guidance and self-evaluation.  My wives group are reading The Power of a Praying Wife. We wanted to be better wives, so we took the initiative. We didn’t force our husbands to read The Power of a Praying Husband, but through our dedication and after witnessing the power of God in our lives, in our relationships, they wanted to be a prudent husband.

Reading that book was mind-blowing for me.  By seeking the knowledge and understanding the role of God in marriages, it  helped me out tremendously. It made me a wiser woman, a wiser wife, a better wife. Although, some parts were hard to accept, it was needed. Much needed.  The 2Timothy 2:15 states, Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

It’s no shame in wanting to be wiser, wanting to be better.  You are not born a wife, so how do you know how to be one. Besides having a great mentor, you are going to need some experience and to gain that experience, you are going to have to be willing to be taught and be willing to study.  Sure having a big home and lots of wealth is amazing, but what good is it to gain the whole world and lose your soul? Matthew 16: 26 There are some things money cannot buy and money will not make and that is a SAGACIOUS WOMAN!

Being like Solomon…

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Everyone is familiar with FAITH, HOPE, & LOVE. Those three words goes  hand in hand and are often coupled together. I actually have a tattoo with those words along with symbols that symbolizes each word.  However, there is another trilogy of words that are also very spiritual. No I’m not talking about FATHER, SON, & HOLY GHOST, that trilogy tops all the rest.

I’m talking about WISDOM, UNDERSTANDING, and KNOWLEDGE.  Three spiritual building blocks necessary for  to live a godly life.  Proverbs 24: 3-4 states, Through Wisdom a house is built and by understanding it is established and by knowledge the rooms are filled with precious and pleasant riches. 

Although FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, WISDOM, UNDERSTANDING, & KNOWLEDGE is needed not only for spiritual growth, it is also needed for growth in marriages or relationships.  Mark 3: 25 states, And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand.  I cannot stress how truth that is. I experienced the dangers of division within a household first hand during the trials of my marriage.  I thank God we are in a better place now, but it’s only because we learned to allow FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, WISDOM, UNDERSTANDING, & KNOWLEDGE into our lives.

As in the construction of a house, wisdom is needed in relationships. A relationship built on a sand foundation will surely crumble just as a house build with a sand foundation will not stand.

Understanding is needed in order for a relationship to flourish and a house to be kept.  It takes planning, effort, thought, skills, and insight to maintain a house and to maintain a relationship.  Both require non-stop maintenance….planning and work.

As for knowledge, the scriptures called for it to fill rooms with precious and pleasant riches that can easily be seen as a need to accumulate wealth.  Although the Bible warns about wealth, it has more to do with wealth consuming you than with you accumulating it. God created everything and He wants us to have everything, but the problems arise in the things we do to accumulate wealth and letting our wealth overtake us.  A house filled with valuable treasures not by greed, dishonesty, and avarice, but rather by wisdom, understanding, and knowledge  will prosper because they were obtained through honest work and labor. A relationship with wealth accumulated through greed and lies will not prosper. And no I’m not talking about houses, cars, jewelry, etc. I’m talking about honesty, openness, love, encouragement, etc.

All I’m saying is that without building anything on a solid foundation,  you are liable to sink! So, LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE! HAVE FAITH, FEEL FREE TO HOPE, & EMBRACE THE LOVE FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS BY USING WISDOM, UNDERSTANDING, AND KNOWLEDGE !

“Marriage does not guarantee you will be together forever, it’s only paper. It takes love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship, and faith in your relationship to make it last.”

-Unknown

The Silver Lining

I am trying hard not to be disappointed, because a part of me already knew the system rarely works for people, especially black people, but I am. I feel powerless to protect myself, my name, my image, and my brand.

I have been dealing with cyberstalking/cyberbullying/harassment/slander/libel situation for over a month now.  I did everything I needed to do to handle things the correct way and still it got me nowhere.  I feel as if I have been running around in circles. The laws regarding harassment need to be changed, because it absolutely makes no sense that they do little to protect victims of stalking, harassment, or bullying as if those offenses are not real issues.  Maybe won’t consider the severity until the victim stabs, shoots, or kills their attacker.  That’s when it will be an issue. Why wait until it gets to that point when people come to law enforcement for protection only to have stupid rules and guidelines prevent them from seeking justice. Now I understand that there are people who abuse the system for malicious reasons, but what about the people who really need help and can’t get it. Where is the balance in that?

The attack of the devil is real, and the more I try to live right the more and more I get hit.  At the end of the day, it’s not about whether I’m scared to fight. The fight for me is a spiritual one.  I am no longer the person I used to be.  The old me wouldn’t care about wearing orange or stripes.  The old me wouldn’t stop until I felt I had cleared my name, but that’s not me anymore.  It’s not my battle to fight.  I’ve learned to pick my battles wisely. When dealing with hateful, jealous, angry people, I decided a long time ago, I’m not going to  entertain it anymore. I decided to ignore it; however, it doesn’t mean it won’t be brought to you. That’s my story.  What do you do when you have done all you can do and trouble still comes to you?

Donnie McClurkin advises through song that you must stand. The Bible tells us to pray for those that hate us, to turn the other cheek, to cast our cares on Him, because He cares for us.  The way the laws of this world is set up, God is the only one that can give us results that we need.  Although I’m disappointed in the outcome, I’m sure that God has an answer to my problem. He will work it out, but I can’t help but think about the women that are being harassed by old lovers, wannabe new lovers, crazy psychotic boyfriends/friends/family members…. How do they get the protection they need if they don’t have the entire 411 on their attacker?  Some  people don’t know anything about their stalker/abuser/cyberbully, so why is that a requirement for them to get help?

God is always up to something, and I know that He can make a way out of no way. That is the silver lining.  Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me that God has a plan for my life. I’m going to trust that there is a bigger plan at work even if I don’t see it!

Just my rant for today.  I won’t dwell on the situation, because despite it all, I know that I am blessed and that God is working on me! So, I’m trusting that God is going to work this thing out!

 

 

 

Early Morning Reflections…

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When I first started blogging, it was a way for me to say the things I felt I could say aloud.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the trying, etc. It was my way to vent. My first blog became so personal that once I came out of the dark place I was in and looked back over my past posts and stuff, the transformation was amazing. The pain that was in those posts scared me and I deleted that blog, hoping to erase all the pain, hurt, betrayal, etc I felt in those posts.  I never ever wanted to feel like I felt during the time of those posts. My life was a mess and besides God, nobody even knew what I was going through. I don’t know if they just didn’t see it or they didn’t want to see it, or if it was because I hid it well. I struggled with pride. Well, I still do. I hate bothering people with my issues. I hate feeling like I’m worrying someone else, so I internalize a lot of things in my life. I’m learning to lighten my load by given it to God and slowly breaking down barriers and walls I put up, long enough to let people in. Sometimes it work, but sometimes I still shut down, because I’m not used to people being genuinely concerned about me. I’m not saying there’s no one in my life that love me or even loved me at the time when I felt alone.  What I am saying is that most of my life, caring for me always came at price. What I had to offer in return or what I could do for them? etc and if they weren’t going to benefit from it, then they weren’t really there and I’m not just talking about friends, but some family members, and business associates, too.

Although, I am a strong person (or at least I like to think so), I’ve always, always had a big heart. I’ve always wanted to see the good in people, wanted the best for people, and was the type that would always help if I could. There has been times, when I would just help people and help people and end up hurting myself because I’ve given all of myself to helping them to the point, I would forget about myself. Again I internalized it.  It got to the point where, I had night terrors for years before I even knew what night terrors were.  I started having anxiety and panic attacks before I even knew what it was called. I became depressed, sometimes severly depressed and antisocial. Yet, I kept that part of me hidden. I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to admit that I was flawed in some way.  Truth be told, I not sure if anyone in my family besides my husband and children know what I deal with. Crazy right? But sadly, that’s the story of my life. When you are a strong person in my family or if people perceive you as strong, they never ask if you are okay and because it was normal for me to be a loner or distant,nobody ever questioned it. So, I found temporary fixes to control my anxiety and depression the best way I could.  There has been many moments where it got extremely hard and I thought I wasn’t going to make it, but I did. No matter how hard it got, somehow, I always got the courage (from somewhere) to keep going. Thankfully it is getting better and better as i get closer to God. I’m learning to tear down these walls and let people in because walls not only keep people out, but they keep me from healing.

Crazy how this isn’t even what I wanted to blog about, but I guess it’s true; in silence you hear God’s voice and maybe this is something that needed to come out that I’ve been holding in so long. Maybe that’s why I’ve been insomniac the last few days.

Anyway, I have been doing well for a few months now, but I now know it doesn’t take much to drag you back to the dark place if you not carefully and if you don’t have the power of God on your life.  The last few weeks, I felt myself being drawn back into that place that I never want to be at again. So instead of looking for someone to be there for me. I indulged myself more and more into the WORD OF GOD and it gave, it gives me the peace I need when my feelings overtake me. I’m learning that I can’t trust my feelings that I have to trust God, especially knowing that I’m vulnerable because of my anxiety and depression. I read something the other day, that sometimes God makes us uncomfortable to get our attention, not to hurt us, but to draw us closer to him. When I say trial after trial have been coming at me from all angles, that’s exactly what I mean. Not major trials or tribulations, just emotional trials and issues with some of the people in my life. Nobody wants to be used and when you are, you feel like a fool for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. You want to develop this idea of I’m not helping anyone else because I always get hurt in the long run mindset even when you know God wants us all to be givers. I struggled with that part and still do.  It’s like how do I give the way God wants me to give when  it only leaves me with the short end of the stick. Then I realized, maybe I was giving not because God said give, but because I wanted people to see me as a helper, a good person, or a giver. I wanted people to like me or appreciate me when the glory was never intended for me. At least, that what I think the issue was. Anyway, I almost retreated back into my shell indefinitely, but I know it’s other ways to deal with things, so I’m trying.

Although God wants us to be givers and help each others. The Bible speaks about users, but it hurts extremely bad when it comes from people that supposed to love you. When people used to use me or get mad at me because they could no longer use me. I used to want revenge. You want to be mad, well I can be mad too. You don’t talk to me, I don’t talk to you. You  want to ignore me, then I’m ignore you, etc. but that became too much. The hatred, dislike, anger, and pain just kept building up and the only person it was hurting was me. Walking around holding on to grudges for no reason at all. I had to learn to let go. These last few weeks have really tested the limits of the verse below.  It was so hard to listen to this verse and apply it to my life knowing that it was a chance that i could be used again or even hurt again. But what I’ve learned is to make a conscious effort to follow it as much as i can because at the end of the day, God will protect me from users and people with malice intent. I’m also learning though, that there are some people that you have to love from a distant; not because you don’t love them, but because they don’t love you.

Matthew 5:38-42

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you

This weekend was one of those weekends where I just wanted to briefly snap but again i cant and don’t want to go back to that, so I just been prayer over the situation and moving on with my life. I don’t know how or when, but I know God is going to fix it. He may have to put in some overtime on this one because this situation been brewing for years. (LOL, not doubting God’s power, just been funny) but seriously I don’t know how God is going to do it. I just trust that HE will and at the same time remove people out of my life that don’t mean me any good and replace them with some good people.